YOUR MARRIAGE NOT WORKING, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Icheoku says marriage or the shacking up together of two partners should not be a life in hell, except that spouses lie to each other just to get hitched. So whenever marriage is based on superficiality rather than substantive core infallible values, it is as good as marooned; moribund, dead on arrival and even before the honeymoon ever began. 

Icheoku says the best way to hedge your bet on finding a joyful marital relationship is to determine what is important to you at the onset. Do not hide who you are, your true colors, in your attempt to ensnare him or her; only to later start complaining that he or she has changed or that she or he is no longer who you married. People for most part do not change who they are, admitted they sometimes some insecure people may mask their true identity. Such a deceived spouse has every right to opt out or keep you miserable as the bargained was not the delivered. Keep it real and let he or she freely make up his or her mind and like you for what you truly are. Surprises are one sure way of evaporating trust and confidence and with it marital bliss. 

Marriage is a purely exclusive relationship between two willing, consenting souls, period. It is not a community affair and should exclude every other person including parents, families, colleagues and friends of both spouses. Even children of the marriage, where applicable, are still but guests to the union; hence they have and should enjoy only mere privileges because they have no rights whatsoever therein. Therefore it is injurious to a relationship for either spouse to try to supplant their children or any of the listed parties above far and above the other spouse. Your spouse should always remain the number one person, the first lady or first man, of the relationship. As Lady Diana once lamented, "there are too many of us in this marriage", lamenting the overbearing influence of the Queen in her marriage to Prince Charles which eventually torpedoed it; please do not suffer similar fate by alienating your spouse or subjugating him or her to irrelevance. 

But unfortunately, some spouses neglect this requirement as they relegate their spouse to the background or foot mat in their relationship. They elevate their children, parents, brothers, sisters, relatives, friends, colleagues and sometimes even their bosses and pastors into higher positions in their life. They allow these proverbial strangers more rungs in their ladder to the detriment of their spouse, who is treated as a mere appendage instead of a bona fides of the relationship.  Spouses craving a good, long lasting relationship must avoid anything that will so fundamentally and functionally change the structure of their relationship such that the other spouse is no longer occupying his or her coveted position.  Spouses should never devote more time and attention to these other people and thereby forsake or neglect the primary reason that created the environment. 

Always bear in mind that your parents have had their own moment in the sun; that your children will someday grow up and move away to move on with their own lives; that your friends are just friends and that your brothers and sisters do not get naked with you. There is a reason why it is called a union and not any other nomenclature. These fine points are however for those who desire and crave a good working relationship, otherwise, just unravel it by doing the opposite. Also remember it is called relationship because you relate to each other as it is never a boss and underling affair. Like God said, 'come let us make man', it is interactive and collegiate; the two parties put their heads together to find solutions as well as making decisions. 

Whatever you do, avoid imposing your will on each other and discuss any action or decision which is capable of inconveniencing or impacting the relationship. If your mother is going to move in, discuss and agree on it. If you are going to spend community resources on a relative, discuss and agree on it. If you are going to make a major decision concerning or involving the relationship or their resources, discuss and agree on it. Icheoku does not envisage or see a situation where any loving spouse will refuse or disagree on any good proposition that was respectfully tabled and convincingly marshaled out. But the cookie begins to crumble when a spouse becomes rather too obstinate and stubborn that it rises to stupidity, thinking that because of this and that, it is going to be his or her way or the highway. Respect is everything in every relationship and people want to believe that they are not invisible; so recognize and acknowledge your spouse as you would your boss and you will have an Eldorado to treasure.

Icheoku says if after observing all these and your marriage is still not working, may be you should consider hanging the boot or just hang in there and be more prayerful. But know that you are not alone as studies show that a good  percentage of marriages do not usually work as anticipated, principally because some of the preceding listed usually come in the way. So many marriages are alcoholic, Valium and other sedatives based; trying to make it one day at a time. It is a universal agreement that it is hard job which many speedily shove away. If after giving it your all and you still cannot take it any longer and wants out; it is good to know too that you are also not alone, neither the first nor will you be the last. Findings also show that close to 99.9% of married couples at one point or the other in their relationship contemplated opting out. 

While some lacked the courage to pull the trigger because they are afraid and skittish about life without marriage, others changed their minds due to one intervening reason or the other; and some others bravely walked the plank. Icheoku says if at the end of the day, you feel like it, seriously convinced that divorce is the best option for you, please for goodness sake, get it. For whatever the world might say, divorce is still a lesser evil than the killing of one's spouse. It is also a fact of consequence that so many couples have felt like and seriously contemplated killing their spouses before; while some others have carried through with it. However, before taking that irreversible step to perdition, please advise yourself properly of the terrible consequences of such an action; otherwise getting up and walking away might be a more palatable cause of action.

It is a pointer that marriage does not necessarily work when founded on weak links and at best, works with optimal, maximum sacrifices by both parties.  So if you want to make your marriage work, you have to commit and put in the necessary time required. That you are still in yours shows that you are striving to make it work. This is the most commendable step required, hanging in there and pushing it; except of course where you have given up and can no longer stand the heat in the kitchen, in which case, you have to do the needful by getting out of the kitchen. Many have called it quits, many are still working to fix theirs, while many are behind bars for taking the wrong action. There is no one quick fix or a silver bullet that ushers in a happy marriage;  you just have to work it to be what you want it to be. 

Money does not beget happy marriage, otherwise billionaires and millionaires will not be divorcing and sometimes killing each other too. Fame does not bring a happy marriage, otherwise  Hollywood and Nollywood stars will not be divorcing and killing each other too? Finding a model wife and a chiseled-chest husband is not it either as in this model-couple's world lies the most disruptive and dysfunctional marriages.  Children does not bring about a happy marriage either as spouses are known to have committed murder-suicide, killing all their children and spouse before taking their own lives too. Icheoku would proffer that friendship, companionship and compatibility of spouses appear to be the strongest super-glue that hold relationships. 

But in any event, just find something to hold unto to uplift your marriage and then rock and roll with it. But please stop wishing that you are with that dream spouse next door because you do not know what goes on behind their own closed doors. Forget those fake smiles, fancy cars, designer dresses and expansive mansions; they do not a happy home make, admitted they could purchase some level of comfort. So today decide to treasure what you have and observing the above, pray that you are not left lonely and alone in a supposed marriage. All the best campers and for all those still sitting on the fence, quivering, if you are tilting towards it, take that plunge as life must go on with or without happy marriages, although happy ones are preferred. Salute.