Icheoku says marriage or the shacking up together of two partners should not be a life in hell, except that spouses lie to each other just to get hitched. So whenever marriage is based on superficiality rather than substantive core infallible values, it is as good as marooned; moribund, dead on arrival and even before the honeymoon ever began.
Icheoku says the best way to hedge your bet on finding a joyful marital relationship is to determine what is important to you at the onset. Do not hide who you are, your true colors, in your attempt to ensnare him or her; only to later start complaining that he or she has changed or that she or he is no longer who you married. People for most part do not change who they are, admitted they sometimes some insecure people may mask their true identity. Such a deceived spouse has every right to opt out or keep you miserable as the bargained was not the delivered. Keep it real and let he or she freely make up his or her mind and like you for what you truly are. Surprises are one sure way of evaporating trust and confidence and with it marital bliss.
Marriage is a purely exclusive relationship between two willing, consenting souls, period. It is not a community affair and should exclude every other person including parents, families, colleagues and friends of both spouses. Even children of the marriage, where applicable, are still but guests to the union; hence they have and should enjoy only mere privileges because they have no rights whatsoever therein. Therefore it is injurious to a relationship for either spouse to try to supplant their children or any of the listed parties above far and above the other spouse. Your spouse should always remain the number one person, the first lady or first man, of the relationship. As Lady Diana once lamented, "there are too many of us in this marriage", lamenting the overbearing influence of the Queen in her marriage to Prince Charles which eventually torpedoed it; please do not suffer similar fate by alienating your spouse or subjugating him or her to irrelevance.
But unfortunately, some spouses neglect this requirement as they relegate their spouse to the background or foot mat in their relationship. They elevate their children, parents, brothers, sisters, relatives, friends, colleagues and sometimes even their bosses and pastors into higher positions in their life. They allow these proverbial strangers more rungs in their ladder to the detriment of their spouse, who is treated as a mere appendage instead of a bona fides of the relationship. Spouses craving a good, long lasting relationship must avoid anything that will so fundamentally and functionally change the structure of their relationship such that the other spouse is no longer occupying his or her coveted position. Spouses should never devote more time and attention to these other people and thereby forsake or neglect the primary reason that created the environment.
Always bear in mind that your parents have had their own moment in the sun; that your children will someday grow up and move away to move on with their own lives; that your friends are just friends and that your brothers and sisters do not get naked with you. There is a reason why it is called a union and not any other nomenclature. These fine points are however for those who desire and crave a good working relationship, otherwise, just unravel it by doing the opposite. Also remember it is called relationship because you relate to each other as it is never a boss and underling affair. Like God said, 'come let us make man', it is interactive and collegiate; the two parties put their heads together to find solutions as well as making decisions.
Whatever you do, avoid imposing your will on each other and discuss any action or decision which is capable of inconveniencing or impacting the relationship. If your mother is going to move in, discuss and agree on it. If you are going to spend community resources on a relative, discuss and agree on it. If you are going to make a major decision concerning or involving the relationship or their resources, discuss and agree on it. Icheoku does not envisage or see a situation where any loving spouse will refuse or disagree on any good proposition that was respectfully tabled and convincingly marshaled out. But the cookie begins to crumble when a spouse becomes rather too obstinate and stubborn that it rises to stupidity, thinking that because of this and that, it is going to be his or her way or the highway. Respect is everything in every relationship and people want to believe that they are not invisible; so recognize and acknowledge your spouse as you would your boss and you will have an Eldorado to treasure.
While some lacked the courage to pull the trigger because they are afraid and skittish about life without marriage, others changed their minds due to one intervening reason or the other; and some others bravely walked the plank. Icheoku says if at the end of the day, you feel like it, seriously convinced that divorce is the best option for you, please for goodness sake, get it. For whatever the world might say, divorce is still a lesser evil than the killing of one's spouse. It is also a fact of consequence that so many couples have felt like and seriously contemplated killing their spouses before; while some others have carried through with it. However, before taking that irreversible step to perdition, please advise yourself properly of the terrible consequences of such an action; otherwise getting up and walking away might be a more palatable cause of action.
It is a pointer that marriage does not necessarily work when founded on weak links and at best, works with optimal, maximum sacrifices by both parties. So if you want to make your marriage work, you have to commit and put in the necessary time required. That you are still in yours shows that you are striving to make it work. This is the most commendable step required, hanging in there and pushing it; except of course where you have given up and can no longer stand the heat in the kitchen, in which case, you have to do the needful by getting out of the kitchen. Many have called it quits, many are still working to fix theirs, while many are behind bars for taking the wrong action. There is no one quick fix or a silver bullet that ushers in a happy marriage; you just have to work it to be what you want it to be.
Money does not beget happy marriage, otherwise billionaires and millionaires will not be divorcing and sometimes killing each other too. Fame does not bring a happy marriage, otherwise Hollywood and Nollywood stars will not be divorcing and killing each other too? Finding a model wife and a chiseled-chest husband is not it either as in this model-couple's world lies the most disruptive and dysfunctional marriages. Children does not bring about a happy marriage either as spouses are known to have committed murder-suicide, killing all their children and spouse before taking their own lives too. Icheoku would proffer that friendship, companionship and compatibility of spouses appear to be the strongest super-glue that hold relationships.
But in any event, just find something to hold unto to uplift your marriage and then rock and roll with it. But please stop wishing that you are with that dream spouse next door because you do not know what goes on behind their own closed doors. Forget those fake smiles, fancy cars, designer dresses and expansive mansions; they do not a happy home make, admitted they could purchase some level of comfort. So today decide to treasure what you have and observing the above, pray that you are not left lonely and alone in a supposed marriage. All the best campers and for all those still sitting on the fence, quivering, if you are tilting towards it, take that plunge as life must go on with or without happy marriages, although happy ones are preferred. Salute.
Money does not beget happy marriage, otherwise billionaires and millionaires will not be divorcing and sometimes killing each other too. Fame does not bring a happy marriage, otherwise Hollywood and Nollywood stars will not be divorcing and killing each other too? Finding a model wife and a chiseled-chest husband is not it either as in this model-couple's world lies the most disruptive and dysfunctional marriages. Children does not bring about a happy marriage either as spouses are known to have committed murder-suicide, killing all their children and spouse before taking their own lives too. Icheoku would proffer that friendship, companionship and compatibility of spouses appear to be the strongest super-glue that hold relationships.
But in any event, just find something to hold unto to uplift your marriage and then rock and roll with it. But please stop wishing that you are with that dream spouse next door because you do not know what goes on behind their own closed doors. Forget those fake smiles, fancy cars, designer dresses and expansive mansions; they do not a happy home make, admitted they could purchase some level of comfort. So today decide to treasure what you have and observing the above, pray that you are not left lonely and alone in a supposed marriage. All the best campers and for all those still sitting on the fence, quivering, if you are tilting towards it, take that plunge as life must go on with or without happy marriages, although happy ones are preferred. Salute.
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Christy 'Apena' Essien-Igbokwe , the wife of Jegede Shokoya of the New Masquerade and Nigeria's lady of songs is dead; she was 51years old. Although her family claimed that "brief Illness" killed her like so many Nigerians; Icheoku retorts that it was most likely AKwa Ibom voodoo and remote control that was used to arrest her. It is on record that she had fallen out with the governor of her native Akwa Ibiom State and have been having a relentless war for political turf with the governor? So who knows whether she was sacrificed to Ekpe cult or even Alusi-Okija as an offal; afterall African science is still very much alive and portent. May her soul rest in peace.
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5 Signs of a Bad Marriage
ReplyDeleteBy: Nancy Jergins
A few weeks ago, I was sitting on the sidelines at my daughter’s lacrosse game when I witnessed one of the 5 signs of a bad marriage unfold before me. A mother sitting nearby was cheerfully watching the game too, when a man walked up behind her. Without turning around to look at him, she brusquely said, “You’re late. What’s your excuse this time?”
Ouch! After watching them over the next few minutes, I figured out that he was her husband. Of course, I have no idea what was going on in their marriage, and maybe the wife was just having a bad morning, but it reminded me that I should never talk to my husband that way in public (or in private, for that matter)!
If we do see one of the signs of a bad marriage in our own relationship, we can regroup and try to correct the problem before it becomes too destructive. Here are the 5 signs of a bad marriage.
1. You’re rude to each other.
No one can be polite 24/7; but, if rude is your default, there’s a problem. Rudeness is often a cover for resentment because of something your husband has or has not done. It’s a way to get in nonphysical digs at your husband. It also shows that you don’t find him worth the effort it takes to be courteous.
How to fix it:
First, ask yourself why you’re being rude to him. Is it a passive-aggressive way to get back at him? Is there a bigger issue you need to discuss? After you’ve considered those questions, talk to your husband and say something like this:
“Josh, I know we’re both nice people, but I admit I haven’t been acting that way toward you. I apologize for being rude and short with you. I’m going to do my best to treat you with kindness.” Then, even if he doesn’t offer to reciprocate, move forward with your resolution.
2. You disrespect each other in front of your children.
It’s one thing to be snippy and disrespectful when no one is around. In that case, you’re only hurting yourselves. But if you act that way in front of your children, you’re hurting them too.
How to fix it:
Children need to see their parents as a team – devoted to each other for the good of the family. {Tweet This} When you tear down your husband in front of your kids, you are damaging your children’s sense of security. You want them to see their dad as a great guy. If you treat him disrespectfully, they’ll have negative feelings toward him too. Or, they’ll feel sorry for him and take his side over yours. In other words, your actions will either alienate your children from their father or from you. Either way is not good. So starting today, treat your husband respectfully in front of your children.
3. You assume the worst about each other.
ReplyDeleteThis is called negative interpretation, or mind reading. For example, if your husband says, “Where’s the dry cleaning?” You hear, “Why didn’t you pick up the dry cleaning? You never get it when it’s your turn.” When you’re in the “assume the worst” mindset, you also focus on your husband’s mistakes. Not only does this foster negative feelings in you toward your husband, it makes him feel pretty worthless in your eyes too.
How to fix it:
The fix is actually simple – assume the best. Don’t read a negative message into what your husband says, how he acts, or what he chooses to do. If in doubt, ask him what he meant and give him a chance to make himself clear.
4. You don’t like spending time together.
When you have spare time—whether it’s a free half hour after the kids have gone to bed or a weekend night when the kids are staying with their grandparents—your husband is not your first choice to be your free time companion. And when you do spend time together, it turns tense.
How to fix it:
The only way you will grow closer to your husband is to spend time with him alone—that’s the first step. When you are together, make that time exempt from serious discussions or hot-button issues. Keep it light, keep it fun. Go in with a good attitude. Prepare yourself to have fun and be fun.
5. You argue instead of discuss.
If every discussion turns into a battle, you need to work on your communication skills with your husband. I know that’s easier said than done, but it’s crucial. You both need to feel safe to bring up any topic. You need to be confident that while a discussion might get intense, it will not degenerate into yelling, name calling, or temper tantrums.
How to fix it:
The good news: You can learn to communicate better! Go to your husband and tell him that you want to be able to talk about things with him, but don’t point a finger at him. Then use these ideas to learn to discuss instead of argue.