A few weeks ago, I was sitting on the sidelines at my daughter’s lacrosse game when I witnessed one of the 5 signs of a bad marriage unfold before me. A mother sitting nearby was cheerfully watching the game too, when a man walked up behind her. Without turning around to look at him, she brusquely said, “You’re late. What’s your excuse this time?” Ouch! After watching them over the next few minutes, I figured out that he was her husband. Of course, I have no idea what was going on in their marriage, and maybe the wife was just having a bad morning, but it reminded me that I should never talk to my husband that way in public (or in private, for that matter). If we do see any one of these signs of a bad marriage in our own relationship, we should regroup and try to correct the problem before it becomes too destructive. Here are the 5 signs of a bad marriage.
1. You’re rude to each other:- No one can be polite 24/7; but, if rude is your default, there’s a problem. Rudeness is often a cover for resentment because of something your spouse has or has not done. It’s a way to get in nonphysical digs at your spouse. It also shows that you don’t find him or her worth the effort it takes to be courteous.
How to fix it:- First, ask yourself why you’re being rude to him or her. Is it a passive-aggressive way to get back at him or her? Is there a bigger issue you need to discuss? After you’ve considered those questions, talk to your spouse and say something like this: “Josh (Jane), I know we’re both nice people, but I admit I haven’t been acting that way toward you. I apologize for being rude and short with you. I’m going to do my best to treat you with kindness.” Then, even if he or she doesn’t offer to reciprocate, move forward with your resolution.
2. You disrespect each other in front of your children, friends and families:- It’s one thing to be snippy and disrespectful when no one is around. In that case, you’re only hurting yourselves. But if you act that way in front of your children, you’re hurting them too; in front of your friends that you don't value your spouse and in front of your family that you made a mistake in choosing him or her.
How to fix it:- Children need to see their parents as a team – devoted to each other for the good of the family. When you tear down your husband in front of your kids, you are damaging your children’s sense of security. You want them to see their dad as a great guy. If you treat him disrespectfully, they’ll have negative feelings toward him too. Or, they’ll feel sorry for him and take his side over yours. In other words, your actions will either alienate your children from their father or from you. Either way is not good. So starting today, treat your husband respectfully in front of your children. (So also should spouses not tear down each other before their friends and families)
How to fix it:- First, ask yourself why you’re being rude to him or her. Is it a passive-aggressive way to get back at him or her? Is there a bigger issue you need to discuss? After you’ve considered those questions, talk to your spouse and say something like this: “Josh (Jane), I know we’re both nice people, but I admit I haven’t been acting that way toward you. I apologize for being rude and short with you. I’m going to do my best to treat you with kindness.” Then, even if he or she doesn’t offer to reciprocate, move forward with your resolution.
2. You disrespect each other in front of your children, friends and families:- It’s one thing to be snippy and disrespectful when no one is around. In that case, you’re only hurting yourselves. But if you act that way in front of your children, you’re hurting them too; in front of your friends that you don't value your spouse and in front of your family that you made a mistake in choosing him or her.
How to fix it:- Children need to see their parents as a team – devoted to each other for the good of the family. When you tear down your husband in front of your kids, you are damaging your children’s sense of security. You want them to see their dad as a great guy. If you treat him disrespectfully, they’ll have negative feelings toward him too. Or, they’ll feel sorry for him and take his side over yours. In other words, your actions will either alienate your children from their father or from you. Either way is not good. So starting today, treat your husband respectfully in front of your children. (So also should spouses not tear down each other before their friends and families)
3. You assume the worst about each other:- This is called negative interpretation, or mind reading. For example, if your husband says, “Where’s the dry cleaning?” You hear, “Why didn’t you pick up the dry cleaning? You never get it when it’s your turn.” When you’re in the “assume the worst” mindset, you also focus on your husband’s mistakes. Not only does this foster negative feelings in you toward your husband, it makes him feel pretty worthless in your eyes too.(Or using such words as 'you are a monster, animal, idiot, harlot, lazy, stupid and such other words and name-calling that does not uplift but tears down and belittles each other).
How to fix it:- The fix is actually simple – assume the best. Don’t read a negative message into what your husband says, how he acts, or what he chooses to do. If in doubt, ask him what he meant and give him a chance to make himself clear.
4. You don’t like spending time together with each other:- When you have spare time—whether it’s a free half hour after the kids have gone to bed or a weekend night when the kids are staying with their grandparents—if your husband or wife is not your first choice to be your free time companion, then you have a problem of bad marriage. And when you do spend time together, it turns tense.
How to fix it:- The only way you will grow closer to your husband or wife is to spend quality time with them—that’s the first step. When you are together, make that time exempt from serious discussions or hot-button issues. Keep it light, keep it fun. Go in with a good attitude but not one full of resentment or mere toleration. Prepare yourself to have fun and be fun.
5. You argue instead of discuss:- If every discussion turns into a battle of argument of who will win, you need to work on your communication skills with your spouse. I know that’s easier said than done, but it’s crucial. You both need to feel safe to bring up any topic. You need to be confident that while a discussion might get intense, it will not degenerate into yelling, name calling, temper tantrums or angrily walking off and away from each other.
How to fix it:- The good news: You can learn to communicate better! Go to your husband and tell him that you want to be able to talk about things with him, but don’t point a finger at him. Then use these ideas to learn to discuss instead of argue.
How to fix it:- The fix is actually simple – assume the best. Don’t read a negative message into what your husband says, how he acts, or what he chooses to do. If in doubt, ask him what he meant and give him a chance to make himself clear.
4. You don’t like spending time together with each other:- When you have spare time—whether it’s a free half hour after the kids have gone to bed or a weekend night when the kids are staying with their grandparents—if your husband or wife is not your first choice to be your free time companion, then you have a problem of bad marriage. And when you do spend time together, it turns tense.
How to fix it:- The only way you will grow closer to your husband or wife is to spend quality time with them—that’s the first step. When you are together, make that time exempt from serious discussions or hot-button issues. Keep it light, keep it fun. Go in with a good attitude but not one full of resentment or mere toleration. Prepare yourself to have fun and be fun.
5. You argue instead of discuss:- If every discussion turns into a battle of argument of who will win, you need to work on your communication skills with your spouse. I know that’s easier said than done, but it’s crucial. You both need to feel safe to bring up any topic. You need to be confident that while a discussion might get intense, it will not degenerate into yelling, name calling, temper tantrums or angrily walking off and away from each other.
How to fix it:- The good news: You can learn to communicate better! Go to your husband and tell him that you want to be able to talk about things with him, but don’t point a finger at him. Then use these ideas to learn to discuss instead of argue.
No comments:
Post a Comment