“AND they called Rebekah, and said unto her, wilt thou go with this man? And she said, I will go” (Genesis 24 verse 58).
Men and women are more alike than different. They share an almost identical brain structure, similar needs for achievement and connection and generally want the same things out of life. The differences are in nuances and although important, should not be used to regulate men to some far removed distance space in the universe. What our culture values, as masculinity, is trapping. This includes being in control of one’s emotions, winning at all costs and not showing vulnerability. Men who are not the way society thinks they should be are often stigmatise and may be viewed by others as ‘feminine’ in some vague way.
We have noticed that men who feel they must rigidly conform to masculine gender norms are more likely to suppress emotions that make them feel vulnerable. But what we term ‘vulnerable’ are the very emotions required for a romantic intimacy with a partner or spouse. Most women will say, “You are a man,” trying to reinforce the very gender conditioning that pushes men away. Some of these women even dictate roles for men or assume they know how a man should be. Mostly, these straitjacket principles make men seek comfort and reality elsewhere. What really do our men want from their women? May I can speak for a few men.
(1) He wants you to like him and love him for himself and not just what he does for you. Men like it when they are loved. The way men are socialized at all times makes them feel that their value is in their agency- that is, in their ability to act, take charge, control, win and achieve. If he doesn’t do that, he would be termed a ‘sissy’ and scorned. Do not let this superficial part of him mislead you. Underneath this conditioning is a child who he is. He really wants someone who can be okay with him when he is not winning, producing or ‘on top.’ Keep that in mind when you relate with your man.
(2) He wants you to like yourself. If you are using him to feel okay about yourself, it will never be enough, and you will constantly be in charge of the next boost. More so, men like it when a woman feels emotionally strong and capable. It is okay to be jealous, but never act insecure.
(3) Believe his ability to communicate, and try to understand his language There is a way a man uses word… Just know where he is coming from. Don’t force him.
(4) He wants you to be playful. Let go of control. Be spontaneous, joyous, and fun to be with. Don’t be too serious about everything. Engage him without agendas. Let him feel like a high school lover. Men like to feel that.
(5) Men like to be respected. It is not true that all men are control freaks or domineering. On the contrary, most men listen to their wives. But you earn your husband’s respect when you respect him, especially when you are self-sufficient, but still let him feel as the anchor. He may say he doesn’t want you to bother him, but something inside feels secure when you tell him things before you do them or report events to him.
(6) Men like it when you understand them. Men flirt. Men make many decisions sometimes. They are not like women with special instincts. Yet, don’t let the man feel you are controlling him. When he makes a blunder, get angry, but understand. Men cannot stand nagging. Find other ways of expressing your dissatisfaction without a plan for revenge or violence. Let him feel the guilt, without you pressing it.
(7) He wants you to know that boys do cry. Men are given much shame in our culture for being vulnerable that they are often left with one choice to vent negative feelings-anger. Offer him that one place in the world where he can unconditionally bring his full self to the table and where you don’t judge. Don’t talk him out of his fears or upsets; just offer compassion and understanding. Love his shame away.
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